Dads Army When The Inspector Calls
by Itsnotstorytimeyet
Summary: Warmington On-Sea platoon are on alert when they get a message that an home guard inspector is coming, but meanwhile Captain Mainwaring & Private Frazier & trying to break in school
1. Chapter 1

**Dads Army**

**When the Inspector Calls**

**The episode starts with the entire platoon on parade**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Okay men, the last time we met was Friday, when Corporal Jones got wed. Also I must say last Friday I thought was one the niece's day of the war. I'm glad that Jones as clicked but we've got to remember that there is war on, so let's not always talk about. Now"**

**LNC Jones: "Permission to speak sir, I'd like to thank you for a wonderful day Friday was Me & Mrs Fox would like you & Mrs Mainwaring to come round for dinner tomorrow evening, also can I say the coo clock is a bit broken as the pigeon only comes out midnight & makes a racket as it woke up Mrs Fox & Mr Blueit next door. Thank you for lovely day"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Yes well thank you Jones but could I just say your wife isn't known as Mrs Fox anymore she is known as Mrs Jones & it is not a pigeon it as yellow canary"**

**LNC Jones: "No it makes like at belly noise when you're hungry. I don't think it is canary because Mrs Fox I mean Mrs Jones is elected to canary & she hasn't sneezed at all"**

**PVT Godfrey: "Mr Jones, I remember my sister Dolly is elected to wet paint but she always itches so ask Mrs Jones does she get any itches. Also I had Canary once during the first world war why I was down the trench as medical solider, one of my mate Jimmy got killed & he left behind is yellow Canary & he never gave it a name. So after he died I took care of the Canary I treated as one of mine & I called it Little Michael, unfornatly 2 weeks later he died"**

**LNC Jones: "How did he die?"**

**PVT Godfrey: "Well you see there was no food coming to section B trench due to our food deliver got killed. No-one could deliver our food so the other troops wanted to eat little Michael, I said no. Then a hour later one troop were shot in the arm, why was attending him & discovered he was lying I was there 5 minutes then I heard this gunshot nearby when I got back into the trench I found the cage was open, & Little Michael was not in there then I heard the troops eating something & smelt something cooking it was little Michael was dead they finished their piece & saved me piece so I was so hungry & eaten it & the over troops hadn't eaten for 5 days. Then Sergeant Highman came with two troops with wheel barrel with lots of food & that was minute after I eat Little Michael, the reason It took so long cause some food was stolen"**

**LNC Jones: "Well If was hungry I couldn't eat mine because it is metal"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Meanwhile away from the jungle. I've had orders from G.H.Q there saying..."**

**SGT Wilson: "Wait minute, I remember I had bird once"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Oh my gauld"**

**SGT Wilson: "I had one when I was only 2 years old I called it Joey, unfornatly my dad always kept a revolver on the shelf from when he was solider & picked it up as since I was young my mind wasn't good then. I shot it & my mum shouted at me then the cat eaten it"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Finished!!, right the next person who should measurer bird they have to do 100 press ups. Right!! Let's get onto war right. Now G.H.Q have sent a letter saying that all over the country an Inspector will be checking up the Home Guard now were going to be first & if the platoon does poor why the inspector here will tell the General & the Captain will be sacked & be going down the ranks so let's make sure we do very well"**

**LNC Jones: "Permission to speak sir, you're a captain so would you get the sack"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Yes Jones, that's right I'm the captain so if anything goes wrong why the inspector here he will fire me so let's do well. Now I'd like to warn he will be checking everyone's uniform & riffle boots, feet, hat, numbers, cleanness, also the platoon headquters"**

**PVT Frazier: "Arse whole, house"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Frazier!!, silence in the ranks & do not use that language in here Frazier, now" **

**PVT Frazier: "What English I'm sorry sir, I cannot speak other language apart from French & Russian"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Don't be sarcastic, or you'll be sent home"**

**SGT Wilson: "Frazier do not say arse whole it is awfully rude you should say backside or bum"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Don't say ,ars.. I mean that swear word in here Wilson, now I don't know what's up the platoon this morning, I tell If anyone should speak you will be marching 25 miles & doing 200 press ups okay, right now the Inspector will be coming tomorrow morning & will be with us for 2 days now the Coronal as said he will be the 0904 from London & will be arriving at Warmington 1000. Okay so we will meet him of the train with a greeting. Also show how smart things are here right"**

**PVT Pike: "Mr Mainwaring, How do we know what he looks like?"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Right that's a good point; well we could image what could look like suit a polar hat, snobby with stick"**

**PVT Frazier: "You mean like you sir"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "How dare you!"**

**SGT Wilson: "Frazier you've been awful rude this morning. On behalf of CPT Mainwaring. Shut up"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Wilson, you don't say just shut up, this is punishment Frazier tonight you will be on patrol on the sea front from 7pm-11pm existed to 7pm-4am so anymore you will be on a longer patrol"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Right, I've decided to visit our local secondary school to learn a bit more knowledge, so you're going back to school, right Jones get you van started"**

**LNC Jones: "Very good sir"**

**SGT Wilson: "But sir it is Sunday the school is closed it doesn't open until 9 in the morning"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Ahh, I thought you'd been the first to spot that"**

**PVT Godfrey: "Excuse me sir the town clerk is the head teacher at the school, I'm sure if we gone round his house ask puerility, I'm sure he would lent us the keys, & return them"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Ahh good Idea Godfrey"**

**SGT Wilson: "But sir, I don't think he could just lent us the keys on none school day" **

**CPT Mainwaring: "Of course he can this war matter, Right men to Jones van"**

**Outside the Town clerk house**

**Jones van pulls up, as CPT Mainwaring & SGT Wilson get out the van**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Right the rest of you stay in the van, Wilson you come with me"**

**CPT Mainwaring knocks the door with the town clerk, Town Cleak answers **

**Town Clerk: "Oh hello Mr Mainwaring, what a surprise to see you round here, & what a beautiful day"**

**SGT Wilson: "Oh indeed it is a type of day should be, out on the beach or planting flowers"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Wilson, we haven't come to say what he should do tell"**

**Town Clerk: "Mr Wilson, Mr Mainwaring would like to come in I've just put the kettle"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Oh why thank you town clerk"**

**SGT Wilson: "Oh yes that is awfully nice"**

**They both walk in, Later you see them in The Town Clerk house with them all have cup of teas with rich tea biscuits & sitting on the sofa**

**Town Clerk: "Well I'm afraid Mr Mainwaring I don't own the school anymore, I haven't been there for 6 years, it was wonderful school I was sad to leave"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Do you know who owns it now"**

**Town Clerk: "Well, I thought you know. It is Captain Square after I left he took over"**

**SGT Wilson: "I thought he was a judge"**

**Town Clerk: "Not anymore, He left being a judge 3 months ago & he had jobs head teacher & judge. **

**CPT Mainwaring: "Mr Town Clerk, do you think you could have chat with him, because we don't really get on well"**

**Town Clerk: "Well I'm sorry Mr Mainwaring; I've been invited to dinner by Mr Hodges in half an hour"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Well thank you for trying to help us. Anyway we'd better get back on duty anyway thank for the tea"**

**SGT Wilson: "Oh why thank you for inviting me & Mrs Pike to dinner on next Sunday"**

**Town Clerk: "Not at all, I'm also bringing Mr & Mrs Jones, oh prabs Mrs Pike's son, what's his... Pike that's it he can come to.**

**They both say "Bye"**

**SGT Wilson: "He his awfully nice"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "He talks to posh people like you, he never me no invitation to dinner tell me what do you normally have for Sunday lunch round Mrs Pike"**

**SGT Wilson: "Well depends because in the winter we have on a Sunday we have steak, brocly, bristle sprats oh & Yorkshire pudding. Mrs Pike dinner is the best dinner in miles"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "You know I don't have half of that, the only time have that is once a month, other Sundays I go down for breakfast down The Grill, then just have sandwiches"**

**SGT Wilson: "What about the sausages, Jones gives every two days"**

**CPT Mainwaring: Coughs "Well Elizabeth normal makes me sandwiches for that then makes some with her dinner. Anyway let's get back to Headquters & I phone Captain Square"**

**At the church All**

**Mainwaring on the phone**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Oh hello Corporal get Captain Square please. Oh hello Square how is the Eastgate platoon treating you"**

**CPT Square: "Oh as usual training as soldiers instead of your platoon"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "What's suppose to mean are strong & it would take forever to get past my men, your Eastgate wouldn't stand a chance you'd have a round each then runaway"**

**CPT Square: "Nah your platoon for of old fogies the way the natiz come they wouldn't know your there. The Time you fire the first bullet there would be in London by foot, at least my mean are a little old for the army in their 40's but still fit unluilky 70 year old who've forgot where there've just been. When the Nazis come marching floating towards Eastgate they would hardly see England with my troops. Anyway man would did you want"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Well my troops maybe old but there strong & we could old them back. Anyway I've come to ask you about something. Well since you're the headteacher at Warmington & Eastgate Bum whole lane. We were wondering if you could lend us the keys"**

**CPT Square: "No you can't. Now bugger off"**

**CPT Square puts the phone on the hook**

**A knock on CPT Mainwaring door**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Come In"**

**PVT Frazier: "Excuse me sir, I know a solution how to get in the school"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Have you what is then"**

**PVT Frazier: "Well sir, we brake in"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "No we can't Frazier it's against the law"**

**PVT Frazier: "Well, we've done it before when I thought I lost my gun pieces in Mr Blueit brothers coffin"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Yes well that was to save your knees from being locked away for year.**

**PVT Frazier: "Well listen when I was a teenager in Scotland I used to be little toe rag breaking in houses building, even breaking my old school to change my test results. Anyhow when I used to steal money from people's houses they would never notice because I left stuff how it was & never caught me I did it for from the age of 14 to 16. When I was caught for the first time breaking into library trying to steal books & policeman caught me & I was put in a detention centre for 3 months. Since I was rested I never broke into any places until Mr Blueit house. So come sir"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Oh alright as long as don't steal anything also leave everything how it is so no one knows we've been in there"**

**PVT Frazier: "I swear I've only been caught once. One problem there's only two of us because the rest have gone for Sunday lunch"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Ahh that is problem well we break in then. Prabs then go & get them to sneak in learning right lets go"**

**The School**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Right here we are. How do we get in"**

**PVT Frazier: "Right, now we must find the back of the school where no one can see so open the window with my crow bar"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Right let's go"**

**They walk to the back of the school**

**PVT Frazier: "I think this will do you keep watch to see if someone is coming"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Frazier, there's problem there are houses behind the school & the upstairs windows can see us"**

**PVT Frazier: "Well unless their upstairs they can't see us"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Yes, well we can't see if their upstairs"**

**PVT Frazier: "Well, use your binoculars"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Oh good thinking"**

**So CPT Mainwaring looks through his binoculars. Why Frazier is trying to open the window with crow bar.**

**Meanwhile Mr Hodges is house is next door as Mr Hodges & the Verger walk in his house.**

**Mr Hodges: "This school play were doing why do I have to play Captain Hook, why don't Mr Jones play him he looks more like him than I do"**

**The Verger: "Well I don't want Mainwaring lot ruining the show. Besides you'd make a good Captain Hook"**

**Mr Hodges: "Well maybe you right. Mainwaring lot would ruin the show. Here why don't I play Peter Pan?"**

**The Verger: "No you can't Mr Hodges because that's a part for a kid"**

**Mr Hodges: "Well, Is there anymore parts for me"**

**The Verger: "Well let's see, there's the Vicar playing the part as Wendy's father. Mrs Pike to play Wendy's mother. I'm playing the part as Mr Sweeney the pirate, Mr Blueit will play a pirate, the town clerk as a policeman & CPT Square as Wendy's grandfather"**

**Mr Hodges: "Wait a minute I've had perfect Idea why don't Mainwaring lot play the part as pirates as Mr Mainwaring as Captain Hook. Me & you can watch the show.**

**The Verger: "Good idea, I just hope Mr Mainwaring lot say yes also they don't ruin the show"**

**Mr Hodges: "Hey Verger coming have look at this, it's Mainwaring & that Scottish bloke Frazier. There trying to break into the school. I've got them quick let's call the police"**

**The Verger: "Wait a minute Mr Hodges, just saying we went over to CPT Mainwaring & just saying if he doesn't play the part as pirates he'll have to face Cort"**

**Mr Hodges: "Yes were getting somewhere a bit of bribe"**

**The Verger: "But not a word the vicar he wouldn't agree with this"**

**Mr Hodges: "Don't worry Mum's the word. Look he's opened it well have to wait till he leaves then we'll do our business"**

**Meanwhile Mainwaring is trying to get through the window with Frazier indoors.**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Oh it's no good I can't go through"**

**PVT Frazier: "Well it's not my fault you so fat"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Look you'll have to go & look some keys for the main door I'll go down to the main doors"**

**Why Frazier looks through stuff he just can't find any sort of keys why Mainwaring is outside waiting. Then Frazier goes to doors opens with no keys.**

**PVT Frazier: "It wasn't locked the whole time"**

**Then Mr Hodges & the Verger run towards them**

**Mr Hodges: "Ahh caught yer"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Well the doors were open"**

**Mr Hodges: "Yes well you damaged the back window"**

**PVT Frazier: "Hang I'm sure if we pay a few quid to keep your mouth shut"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "What"**

**Mr Hodges: "Yes I'm sure £5 each would keep our mouths shut"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "What £5!!"**

**PVT Frazier: "£5 are you mad"**

**The Verger: "It's either that or the police" **

**CPT Mainwaring: "Oh fine Frazier you pay five I pay five"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Here you go"**

**PVT Frazier: "its daylight robbery you know"**

**Mr Hodges: "Oh one more thing were planning to do show for school of peter pan we'd be delighted you to play the part of the pirates"**

**PVT Frazier: "I'm not playing a part dressed like a fool"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Oh be quite Frazier. Yes we'd like to play the part of the pirates"**

**Mr Hodges: "Splendid well reuses start Wednesday the play will be on Friday night. I'll leave you to sort out your costumes"**

**As Mr Hodges & the Verger walk away laughing**

**To Be Continued **


	2. Chapter 2

****

**Chapter 2**

**Church Hall**

**With men awaiting for ****CPT Mainwaring & PVT Frazier**

**SGT Wilson: "Oh lord 4'o'clock, over hour late, Alright men fall in, right since ****CPT Mainwaring has disappeared, I thought this would be a good training mode. So were going to look for him"**

**PVT Pike: "Uncle Arthur, you don't think they've been captured by Aliens. I've seen in the films normally the main two go missing they send out a search party. One by one they all go missing except for one, & then he finds the alien ship & then tries to get them out of the ship, but he gets on board the ship goes up & they all end up on another planet"**

**SGT Wilson: "Now really Frank, Anyway Jones & Pike I'd like you look in Warmington Woods, Fraz... out wait he's not here. Anyway Godfrey, Sponge I want you to look round the harbour. Okay I'll patrol near the red Lion"**

**PVT Pike: "I'm not going near no woods there could be a horrible person, mum says I'm must never go in the woods"**

**PVT Godfrey: "Mr Wilson, the looe at the harbour is closed for 2 days for cleaning & its long way for the toilets"**

**SGT Wilson: "Well tell you what Godfrey, I don't know if you heard of it but there is a pub up the hill up the harbour I've sometimes go in there its call The Anker" I'm sure they would let you use their toilets"**

**PVT Pike: "No matter about toilets what about me Uncle Arthur"**

**SGT Wilson: "Frank, Frank don't worry Jones is there with you, besides the woods is safe I sure you"**

**LNC Jones: "Yes don't worry Pikey you're with me. I've been to a lot of scary places but I've survived. During in the Sudan, Lord Kitchener always felt sorry for his scared men. He used to calm them down take them to his officer & had few drinks & came out all happy"**

**SGT Wilson: "Right men, now I want the rest of you to walk around town see if you can see them, I'm except you Jenkins you stay behind, & see if CPT Mainwaring & Frazier come back why were out"**

**LNC Jones: "Permission to speak sir, what if PVT Godfrey stayed here so he can be near the toilets"**

**SGT Wilson: "Well prabs Godfrey needs a change because he's hardly done any patrol in the last two weeks. Its somebody else turn, Now Come On, If no sight by 6'o'clock come back here"**

**The men leave the town hall**

**The Woods**

**It is pouring it down with rain in Warmington as a thunder storm is out as Pike & Jones are in the woods**

**PVT Pike: "Jones, I don't like lightning"**

**LNC Jones: "Neither me Pikey. Its 5'o'clock"**

**PVT Pike: "We've been in circles twice I'm tired & soaked. Mr Jones can we go to that pub we seen coming to the woods"**

**LNC Jones: "What the Wood Cutter Inn, we can't were on patrol"**

**PVT Pike: "Ye'h but we can't find here, let's go in to keep warm"**

**LNC Jones: "No we can't"**

**PVT Pike: "My mum won't be happy if she finds out I've been in a thunder storm, come Mr Jones could you fancy half a pint"**

**LNC Jones: "No, I fancy a whole pint, come on"**

**The Pub**

**They come in all wet**

**PVT Pike: "Hey this isn't so bad"**

**LNC Jones: "Yes lovely & warm let's go in"**

**They walk towards the bar **

**Barman: "Hello gentleman what get for you on this way day"**

**PVT Pike: "Oh hello I'll have half a pint, & Jones will have full pint"**

**The Barman is doing the tap**

**Barman: "Well gentleman I don't normally see you in here"**

**LNC Jones: "No were from Warmington, we usual go to The Red Lion"**

**Barman: "Ahh, were have two people from Warmington-On-Sea platoon there CPT & SGT, mostly were only CPT & SGT from Eastgate & Warmington, I think it's because this is the road to Eastgate what's 3 miles away from here. 5 Miles to Warmington, but this classed as Warmington when were closed to Eastgate"**

**LNC Jones: "Well I bet all that lot from Eastgate lot are all drunk"**

**Barman: "Well actually I normally get a lot of people from Eastgate. Than Warmington, Eastgate are not drunk normally. It's normally Warmington people"**

**The School**

**Are CPT Mainwaring & PVT Frazier are still at the school, in the library. As Frazier is sitting reading a book & CPT Mainwaring is walking round"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "You know I can't find one single geography book without swear words in it, kids don't take care of the books"**

**PVT Frazier: "Well sir you've been looking for a book for last two hours"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "It's just as well, what are you reading?"**

**PVT Frazier: "ER Nothing sir"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Yes you are, it's your hand"**

**CPT Mainwaring snatches from his hands **

**CPT Mainwaring: "Nudes of 1940. You're not supposed to reading stuff like this. We've came here to learn. I don't know what's this doing a school library now come on let's go home it's 17:55 in the evening. We've missed parade, oh well I'm sure Wilson learnt them something"**

**CPT Mainwaring puts the book in his pocket**

**The Church Hall the next morning**

**All the men come in the church hall**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Well I must approaches about missing yesterday's parade. Also I dragging out this morning but since the inspector is coming we must look presentable"**

**SGT Wilson starts groaning**

**CPT Mainwaring: "What's up with you Wilson?"**

**SGT Wilson: "Oh sorry sir I didn't get much sleep last night"**

**PVT Pike: "I know he didn't get in till after midnight, mum was fuses he came in all drunk, mum jucked out I don't know where he slept"**

**SGT Wilson: "Frank"**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Well pull yourself together Wilson, you're supposed to keep example. Anyway men I hope you've done everything I told you yesterday morning"**

**So CPT Mainwaring orders the men to the station before CPT Mainwaring leaves & SGT Wilson. CPT Mainwaring starts limping.**

**CPT Mainwaring: "Oh well you see Elizabeth is a odd women one thing she sees out of place she goes berserk, like last night Frazier was reading Nudes of 1940, I took it off & I was going to throw in the bin. But I forgot & Elizabeth was going to was my clothes & she find in my pocket she kicked me & hit me. She also would let me come to bed I had to sleep on the sofa all night. I was trying to explain but she would not listen. Anyway let's get to the station"**

**THE END CREDITS **


End file.
